what a mother wants...

being a mom takes a lot of time, energy, patience, sacrifice and prayer.

bottom line, it's the most taxing job i've ever had.
but i would never exchange it for anything.
recently i got an email from my awesome friend who i put up on a pedestal on being a funny, creative, and loving mom (hi brooke!) asking me the question: "what do mother's want?" my first thought was "a massage...sleep...quiet time every day." i wanted to write back a witty response to make her smile or even laugh...but decided to walk away from the computer, and sit and stew on this one.

"what do i want?"

i took two full days to sit and think, and stare at my kids.
for the first time in a long time i sat quietly
and stared.
at them.
thinking.

"what, as a mother, do i want?"

here's a little of what i came up with:

i want my kids to be safe, happy, healthy, successful in whatever they chose to be. i want my kids to be able to handle their trials and learn from them. i want my kids to have healthy relationships, i want my kids to think i'm the coolest person alive, i want my kids to learn to work hard, and enjoy the fruits of their labor. i want them to think about their future at a young age, i want my kids to be smart with their money, their education, their investments. i want them to hold tight to what we try to teach them, that God is good. i want my kids to stay close to the church. i want my kids to have faith that good can prevail. i want my kids to be able to stand firm in the storm of wickedness that this world is offering. i want them to be smarter than the average American thought of "you need this now, and you can pay for it later." i want my kids to be safe from porn, i want my kids to be safe from an abusive relationship, i want my kids to have great friends. i want my kids to not be bullied, i want my kids to value school, i want my kids to want to be good. i want my kids to want to stay morally clean. i want my daughter to be a mother, i want my boys to be loving and hard working fathers. i want my kids to always want to be sort of close but not too close so they have healthy relationships with their spouses and their family as an entity. i want them to be able to fix their own problems because of what i taught them. i want them to not do drugs, i want them to not drink, i want my kids to be best friends, i want them to be goody two shoes till their wedding night. i want my kids to basically be in a bubble that will protect them from anything harmful, anything wrong, and anything that will bring them pain.

as my thoughts swirled into a chaotic mess, and as i started to hyperventilate at the thought that my kids are going to have face so much before they move on from this earth...i stopped. wiped away the tears, i sat and i stared at my beautiful kids that i would lay down my own life for, and the final answer came to me:

"what do i want?"

"i want to be a good mother at every stage of their life. i want to be there for them and to be able to handle the choices (good and bad) they make with grace, humility, and love. i want to always be able to love them, and forgive them, and to always have open arms when they need me. i want them to know how much i rely on the Lord. i hope to be a good example that they would want to do what is right and good not by my words but by my actions."

so scratch all that other stuff. (well not really but you know what i mean)
i just want to be good for them.
that's all that matters.
nothing else can come close to that in my world.
i just hope to be a good one.

and that makes me nervous just the same.

so with that.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
i'd love to hear.

it will make you think long and hard about those little noisemakers that make you so mad at times, in a different light even if for a minute. well, before one of them comes and tells you he just blew out a window in the barn with his brand new BB gun his grandma gave him for his birthday.
here's to grace and love...and counting to 10 before responding.

;)
we'll talk soon.