emotions run high sometimes

my kids last christmas from left to right: 5th grade noise maker, girl noisemaker, 3rd grade noise maker, and 1st grade noise maker (aka the loudest one)

well first off thank you so much for the wonderful lovely birthday wishes. yes, it was a good day. busy spent, mainly at the school with the book fair, and parent teacher conferences. we ended the day celebrating not only my birthday but for the first time ever all three boys getting A's and B's at school. that's a big deal. not for the third grader or the first grader but for my fifth grader who's worked his butt off trying to get back to what he was before the deployment.

as a family we went to dinner and as a family we are so happy to feel for what seems like such a long time, so much peace and happiness as a family unit. i love this feeling.

some of you have been here to read about (and some of you saw it first hand) that journey and know that it threw my 5th grader (and our family) into an emotional tail spin. i truly appreciate the wonderful elementary school who's been there with us from the darkest times where teachers and i cried over what to do...to now where teachers and i cry over how we're all so proud. that kid has a lot of mom's at that school. phew. no mushiness zone being crossed. sorry. i don't write about this kind of stuff that much anymore because it's really personal and raw with full of emotions. as the blog has gotten bigger i sometimes feel like i need to protect that raw emotion. but today i feel like lowering that "protective layer" for just a little bit because well, sometimes i feel like i have enough "balls" to put more of me out there than other days.

yesterday as i went to the kids' classes and we talked a little about how things were going i got the overwhelming strong conviction of what my role in this life is. a mother to the kids that were given me. i know i'm lucky and blessed to of had each and every single child i call my own. it's a miracle... that life thing...

i like to keep things light here, but for some strange reason i feel like opening up a little more than i have lately. i hope you take my raw emotions carefully.

my child was finally diagnosed with severe anxiety a few years ago. i say finally because for a while there we didn't know what to call it. our life was unbearable at times. i'm pretty sure i had permanent bruises on my knees from all the kneeling in prayer that i did at this time. i also had a lot of bruises on my soul and heart as i watched a wonderful little boy, go from a normal child, to a child with so many dark emotions, of sadness and extreme concern. he developed involuntary large motor tics that at times were so bad, doctors thought he might be having seizures. emotionally and physically you could just see the turmoil in his little body. life was a mess. i felt horrible for not knowing what to do, how to help him, or how to make it better. a lot of the times it felt like he blamed me for most of it. teachers were at a lost. he wouldn't do any work at school. and homework was a joke, he would just be so angry that i would try to make him do it.

he started hiding from teachers, and at church he would hide from his leaders, babysitters quit taking my calls, and he would "run away" from home on a weekly basis. all of this was unfolding as his dad was deployed over seas.

we saw doctors, we saw specialists, and we saw psychologists, and psychiatrists. he was misdiagnosed with so many different things, every week i would find something he could have going on. i just wanted a name so i could then find books and possibly shed some light and get some help. it took a year a half to finally decide on a diagnosis and to get medication that would help him.

and it's been a slow uphill climb since then.
he's been a trooper and we as a family have been able to try to be there, and help each other out with this emotional roller coaster we've been on. i do not think of this as one individual going through something alone, i think is as a family unit trying to mold and figure this thing out together. one thing is for sure he's touched his teacher's hearts. and without divulging too much, to embarrass anyone involved, i know i'm not the only one who worried, cared, and loved that boy so much that it brings tears to our eyes at the wonderful changes that we've seen these past two years. so yes it was a BIG deal as i went to the boys' classes and i spoke with each individual teacher on how they are doing. i got to walk away feeling very proud not because my kids got A's and B's but because of the journey that we've been through to this point. emotions ran high, and i walked away again remembering how lucky i am i call them mine.

i can honestly be grateful for the hard full of trial times because when you get to look back and say "man that was hell, but i'm so happy where we are today, and how it made us all better and how much we are appreciating this moment in time that much more."

i know my roller coaster ride as a mother is still in the works. but i think i'll keep going, even if i know there's still some stomach churning drops in my future, cause man when the ride is over, i want to say even though i was scared at times, it was one hell of a ride.

end super mushy moment that had to get out.

we'll talk soon

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